How do you measure a year in the life?

New Year's Resolutions?

2012-01-03T23:07:00.000-08:00

I don't usually do New Year's Resolutions, since I see change as a process and there never seems to be a real beginning...but since someone asked me what mine were, I'll start with the insignificantly significant...

Hot damn. Zoe Saldana's body in Columbiana tells me I need to get back into my 6 days a week routine. (The movie was just alright, if anyone is curious.) It's not about being thin or following Skinny Bitch religiously, but about getting at least 20 min of cardio a day and being fit and healthy. Fitting a workout in my eight to six schedule will prove to be tough...but I WILL PREVAIL. Oh, and I will work on my ball handling, of course. ;)

What will prove to be another challenge is eating home-cooked meals while staying on campus all day. My biggest challenge in home-eating is cooking a variety that I won't get tired quickly and eating the same thing for five days in a row. Ugh. This I will have to plan out and work on...

Most importantly, (even though this is more of a gradual proces) I want to fall more in love with the Word (or back in love with it). This, above all else, will probably be my biggest challenge, since there aren't really any physical changes that I can gauge my growth, but I guess more attitude changes... This I will need accountability for more than anything else, so I guess a good start is to find a church in Brisbane. And of course, something I want to continue is keeping in touch with those across the oceans!

This past year has revealed parts of me that I never really knew or addressed and has been filled with struggles and blessings (and blessings in the form of struggles). Even in the indescribable heartbreak of leaving my family in time of need and leaving my loved ones back in California, I must look forward to a year filled with trials and joy, knowing that God provides and is faithful, always.

Playlist (Wicked The Musical):
Defying Gravity
As Long as You're Mine
For Good

Just for this moment, as long as you're mine
I've lost all resistance and crossed the borderline
And if it turns out it's over too fast
I'll make every last moment last
as long as you're mine.

Hanging By a Moment

2011-09-02T00:24:00.000-07:00

[blogs almost seem to die out when there is an expectation of good writing. thus I will pledge myself to mediocrity as a compromise to being more consistent]

I'm falling even more in love with you, letting go of all I've held on to.

One step away from you will forever be a step in the wrong direction. And lately, I've taken one too many steps in the wrong direction. It wasn't deliberate, it wasn't intentional, and I don't like it, but I did make the choices led up to where I am now.

It's been three months since I've been to church and had a [tangible] church community (although I have had wonderful brothers and sisters check up on me from time to time), and I can already feel the disconnect that comes with trying to grow alone. I've been too lazy on my part to search for a church (partially because I'm basically crippled here: I don't dare drive in the crazy traffic- no thanks), but I know I'm desperately in need of a community of believers that can keep me accountable, that I can growth with, laugh with, struggle with and pray with, and "travel" is just another excuse. If life is in fact a journey, and we are always taking steps, then I might have stumbled along a path I souldn't have taken, even if it may eventually bring me to the right place at the perfect time.

I know that the choice I made of coming back to Taiwan to be with family was the right one, but what ensued created an identity I was not in want of. Empty is what I've been, though sometimes he leaves me be. Lonely is what lingered, even until now. I know I will not be satisfied with the relationships I have- continued through email or Facebook and whatever modes of communication that exists nowadays. Not even what I have with my parents will satisfy, despite their deep love. People change with time and experiences, and relationships inevitably change with them. That fact scares me more than just a little bit, but because each relationship is purposed by God, so I will try my best to surrender each relationship to Him.

Empty is when the God-shaped void in my heart is filled with junk- unwarranted and deteriorating soul ties that amount to foolishness. I stumble and fall like Velma without her glasses, and often find myself quoting Charlotte from Pride and Prejudice, telling myself "we are all fools in love" in attempt to console my own stupidity, but none of that will do. Now I know what empty is, I'm letting go of all of this. Sometimes, I find myself letting go of the wrong things altogether, but there is always forgiveness, and my prayer is that I may completely surrender my dreams and my relationships to the One and only.

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliot

Playlist:
Falling In by Lifehouse
Wherever You Will Go by The Calling
Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want by The Smiths
Here Comes Your Man by The Pixies

Vulnerable

2011-06-03T19:14:00.001-07:00

I've always feared losing my parents. When I was five, I would cry myself to sleep at the thought of losing them. When I was in elementary school, I would cry myself to sleep in fear of my dad "going to hell," and sometimes I still do. I was a crybaby when I was younger, until I evolved into what people now call "heartless" (just kidding?), and when my fears became reality, I couldn't shed any tears. That certain kind of courage it takes to face what everyone experiences in their lifetime-sickness and death-came to me, even though all I wanted to do was scream my lungs out and be angry at God. I know I'm not in any right to be, because he is a righteous and just God, but sometimes it takes a little more than logic and reasoning to trust what I know.

It never, ever would have even crossed my mind that there was a possibility of cancer. My dad was the super-cautious (though at times superstitious), health-oriented, fit doctor who I had never seen sick. To see such weakness and frailty in him freaked me out just a little bit. And just a little bit is an understatement. To feel such cold hands, which I had never felt before, told me that it could be any day. My mum's been working a full time job, drilling away at teeth and such, while taking care of my dad, and is also not doing so well. As if things couldn't get any worse, last night, my uncle had a heart attack. Even with all this chaos, I find myself discontent, and even a little angry, about being here (in Taiwan). I feel so selfish, wanting to focus on what I want to do (job/school applications, learn Spanish, etc.), when I know that being here is not even close to being about me. So unforgivably selfish.

I've realized how rushed Berkeley has made me, how in a hurry I am to "pursue my dreams" as if it was the most important thing in the world that would disappear if I didn't tend to it immediately. What a false sense of security. In this short time that I've been here in Taiwan, I've been able to grow in confidence, knowing that the Lord will provide according to his will, and that rushing through life will only make me miss out on it. I've realized how easliy our ideals can slip through our hands by a twist of fate, and what Jesus meant when he told us not to be anxious, because our Father has a good and perfect plan for us. If we truly believe this, wouldn't we use our time differently? Amazing things will happen if we do!

I can't say I'm completely "happy" with my circumstances- and in fact, I've been a bit stressed and depressed- but I'm reminded each day that love is what we live for, and people who we care for. As I've been rereading the gospel of Matthew and praying for my family, I am reminded that as children of God, our treasure is in heaven. Not gold bars worth thousands of dollars, not diamond and pearl necklaces, not Koenigsegg CCXs (which is probably my favorite FastFive car), not my precious violin which is now being stored in a garage, but eternal treasures.

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where niether moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Matthew 6:19-21

Playlist:

Desert Song by Hillsong
Better Together by Jack Johnson
Pride & Prejudice Soundtrack by Jean-Yves Thibaudet

Reinvention (delayed)

2011-06-02T06:59:00.000-07:00

Reinvention: [ree-in-vent] to bring back; revive

No more gluttony.

No more lethargy.

No more indifference.

No more sleepwalking.

1) cook and eat @ home. thus, I will be creating Pixar-inspired dishes / menu. (open to ideas!)

2) I will make use of my community’s pool and gym.

Monday: cardio

Tuesday: abs and back

Wednesday: cardio

Thursday: basketball or tai chi

Friday: cardio

Saturday: weights

Sunday: day of rest! =)

3) pray pray pray more

4) finish what I set out to do: Bible-read, Genesis to Revelation

Speaking of reading, I’ll have time to read for fun once med-school apps are over! So far my reading list consists of:

1) Forgotten God by Francis Chan

2) The One, the Three, the Many by Colin E. Gunton

3) Tuck Everlasting (reread, one of my FAVORITES)

4) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (reread)

5) Taming of the Shrew by William Shakespeare

6) Les Miserables (I WILL finish it this time)

7) Pride and Prejudice (simplified version in Chinese)

Lately I’ve been busy cleaning the house, throwing out a LOT a LOT of junk, and spending time with my dad at the hospital. It’s been a little stressful, with my mum not doing too well either (lung issues) and just trying to help out around the house. I can’t imagine how it’s been for the past six months for my mum, working a full time job and visiting the hospital twice a day. Thankfully, we have some family around, many of which are doctors. It’s really a blessing. I’ve just been a bit cranky and irritated, possibly because of the humid weather and a little bit of loneliness here without my friends and the familiarity of California. I feel a bit selfish for not completely wanting to be here in Taiwan, despite my family situation. I know that I am needed, and it is my hope that I can be fully committed to this place with all my heart until God opens other doors to me.

I may or may not start working a temp job (will update later), which should be interesting, seeing that my Chinese reading-skills are quite lacking. I will be honing my Chinese, as well as attempting to learn Spanish, as my friend Mei-Yi has kindly passed down her books to me (along with her guitar for the lending!) so I can get started on something much delayed.
I am looking for BOOK and SPANISH MOVIE/MUSIC recommendations! Do share the goodness! =D

Playlist:
California King Bed by Rihanna

Zombie by The Pretty Reckless

Why Don’t You and I by Santana ft. Alex Band

Two Pairs of Pants and Bound for Taiwan

2011-01-01T22:42:00.000-08:00

Every Sunday my parents and an old high school friend of my mom take walks at the University she teaches at. We always end with a delicious visit to Mos burger (the best rice burgers ever!). Conversations between them consist of newest health findings, scrumptious restaurants, and somehow, inevitably Taiwan's political undertakings (or lack thereof). I sit and listen, and sometimes interject with my opinions.

We were walking along a beautiful shaded brick path circling the university, and we see a run-down looking building that resembles a temple. Here my parents tell me that it was built by my great-grandfather, who used to be one of the richest men in Taichung (the city I live in). I note this in the past tense, because with certain political undertakings which I will not get into, it was lost to the government. He built it as a meeting place back in the day for his friends to meet and trade goods. Apparently his name is carved or written somewhere in the temple...

This inevitably leads to the story of my first ancestors who emigrated to Taiwan - three brothers who owned only two pairs of pants. You can only imagine the absurdity and hilariousness of the situation. (I laugh every time I hear the story) They allegedly hid, and lived, in a temple, and essentially had to take turns leaving their "home."

"I'm going on a date. I need to borrow those pants." Times have definitely changed, and it's hard to imagine the need for - well, a pair of pants.

Generations later, most of the land in Taichung would be owned by my great-grandfather. And still, generations later, it would all belong to the government that almost took away the life of his son. All I can say is, my grandfather stood by what he believed in, and as a result, a choice had to be made. It was ~100,000 acres of land - or his life. The choice was made. Was it easy? I don't know if I can say.

Being in Taiwan brings me back to nostalgic memoirs that I used to hear as a kid - stories of pride - some comical (like the one of the pants), and many of hardship and persecution. The tides come and go. From rags to riches to now: melancholy (and some bitter) descendants holding on to past shortcomings and fragments of memories, recalling the honorable sacrifices once made. Revisiting my family history helps me grasp the brevity of life on earth, and in a way forces me to consider my loyalties. I don't, and won't apologize for my nationalistic self, but what I do know is that everything is only secondary to an eternal citizenship in Heaven.

If you have read this far, I apologize for this rather anti-climactic closing. You were probably expecting something more dramatic, such as a knowing-my-family-roots-has-changed-who-I-am type of buildungsroman, but it has only bought me back to the fact that any citizenship on earth is only temporary, and what worldly loyalties I have are in fact, worthless.

Philippians 3:20-21
20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

Where are your loyalties?

who died and made you king of anything?

2010-10-24T19:17:00.000-07:00

This post is random. DOT. Dot. dot. ;P

Pride just slapped me in the face today when a friend made a comment that was rather insulting to me, and well, I'm sure it wasn't even intentional. It should not have even been so insulting, except that I found more than just traces of ignorance and pride in the impertinent comment. At that moment, I realized the pride I took in what I know. Even in just a little 5-minute lighting situation, I realized the pride I hold, that we all hold. I was slapped in the face because I realized just how many times I choose to love myself over God.

Crazy Love by Francis Chan is a book about cultivating a heart for loving God with reckless abandon. I've been reading it over the past few weeks, and though I'm not very far, I feel like I've been reminded of and challenged to so much already. For starters, I'm reminded each day of how God has given me another breath, a relatively healthy body, a relatively comfortable life, despite any stressors, and the list goes on.I suppose to struggle is figuring out what to do with all the blessings and how they will shape me. I suppose the difficulty is realizing the plans that God has for us in his life with what He has given us, but I think I often times I forget to stop and thank Him for the little (and big) things in life. So many things have to go right so that our bodies can function. I suppose taking a human anatomy and nutritional science class has made me think about this with more detail, or rather, Chan has made me think more about my classes in light of the fact that God's template for man is...complicated. Just one enzyme disfunction in glycolysis can cause our red blood cells to continue to lyse (which can be fatal) and just a few degrees of body temperature change can make us go into shock. There are so many things that could just go wrong in our intricately designed bodies. I find it amazing how much detail God designed our bodies with.

My friend's siblings, my own friends, and my relatives dying around me has sort of knocked me into a state of appreciation of every day of my life more. Sometimes it seems so unfair to us that God has to take away people that we love. I think it will always seem unfair and heartbreaking to us as long as we live on this earth. I suppose I can consider myself blessed that I havn't really experienced the death of a close one, and I'm deathly afraid of the state that I might fall into if it were to happen. I'm more afraid of losing someone than death itself, and I suppose that for me, the fact that we yearn for eternal relationships just points me to the greater kingdom- our real home in Heaven. As Chan says, thinking about death and confronting it is not morbid - it's just reality. We need to stop thinking that death is unfair because our lives aren't even our own.

With the realization that God owns every part of me, just as a potter owns and shapes his jars, I want my attitude to be more of one that desires to be molded more by God's vision for my life. I want my attitude to change from one of just stewarding my gifts well for God to one of understanding how those blessings can shape who God wants me to be, because who I am on this earth impacts who I will be eternally on the new earth.

This life and the present is a gift from God, but when He decides to take it away from us, what is our response? Are we ready?

Playlist:
King of Anything by Sara Bareilles
Every Move I Make by David Crowder Band
Illusionist Boy by Jane Lui

In Cups of Coffee

2010-09-06T00:10:00.000-07:00

There has been much delay in my writing, especially that pertaining to the happenings of summer. This past summer consisted of my prepping for the MCAT (Medical College Admissions Test), time with friends in Berkeley, and a little time with family in Asia. Summer came and went, and I’m still wrestling with the fact that I’m graduating in less than a year.
In spending about four to seven hours a day, six days a week over a two month period preparing for a four hour test that could in essence “determine my future in medicine,” I have grown to alter my view of the work that I do. Through going to class six days a week and seeing my hard-working classmates with their cups of coffee and large backpacks almost every day has reminded me of a few things.
I have been reminded that college is the mission field that I have been placed in. College is the battlefield that God has privileged me to war in, and I need to grasp the opportunities I have now, because time is running out. I need to consider the great commission more seriously than I have before, seeing that I’m in a place where meeting people is fairly easy compared to a work setting. Seeing people study and work for what they think will bring them happiness makes me realize that a Christian is blessed in knowing the joyful truth that he is loved by God unconditionally.
As the weeks passed by during the summer, I gradually began to see the unimportance of the physical work that we do, such as studying for the MCAT or finding a “good” job. I have been reminded me that our studies or our job, though a big part of our life, are only a means by which we can live out or life purpose in Him- that He creates us with talents and interests so that we may glorify and lead people to Him with what he blesses us with. The blessings he has given us are ours so that we may choose to steward them wisely. Though I still wrestle with what God wants to see in my life in regards to my future, I know that He will provide.
Our Father in Heaven knows our needs, and He is faithful. I don’t know if I will go to medical school, and I don’t know what I’m doing in the next few years of my life, but I do know that God’s plans are greater than mine. I am still scared and guilty of worry, but going before the Lord is always the solution. As I have been reminded, prayer and more prayer is the answer to all things. Prayer is the answer for an struggling Christian, it is the answer to a fellowship lacking direction, it is the answer to life’s questions, and it is the answer to all things.
In this day and age, Christians are dying in zeal. I desire to be a genuine Christian who loves and serves out of love, not just some Christian zombie who walks around with a dead heart.
The wear and tear of work in this life is eminent, but as Christian, we should not lose hope, because we have something greater to look to.
James 1: 12 says “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”
We are called to persevere and to take joy in our trials in knowing that one day, we will be made new. If we are steadfast, will receive the crown of life and be with Jesus!
[I apologize for being so….dry. It was late and I was losing focus]

In Time

2010-03-21T00:05:00.000-07:00

I like blogging only when I'm given long periods of time, so that I can fully form my thoughts, but I think that I am going to start posting more spontaneously and more often. =D

Time is so... limited. Given 24 hours a day as a reference to time, we foolishly think that if we were given 26 hours, that we could accomplish everything we set out to do in the morning. I would like to think that two hours added to my life daily would make me more accomplished, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't.

With all the talk around me about splitting inheritances, writing trusts, buying insurance, and the such, I feel a bit overwhelmed about the thought of life, and how it is over in the blink of an eye. Honestly, I'm scared, and thinking about it almost makes me with for death. I don't think that I'm strong enough to face life. On top of that, thinking about losing my family makes me teary-eyed and scared, and it just makes me think about how cowardly I am for not reaching out to them. Life insurance, what we inherit and what's in the bank can never replace the truth, and can never give Life. My heart breaks for my family whenever I think of the light they are missing in their life, but I can never bring myself to do anything about it (except cry and maybe pray). I try to buy time, as if time were something I could purchase at the convenient store. I don't feel the urgency of evangelism, and it worries me. I wonder if I am really further from the Truth than I think I am, and if what I believe myself to be is a lie.

I'm selfishly waiting for some divine power to give me boldness so that t I will have the courage to talk to my parents, my friends, my family about God, but I know that I am only wasting time and letting it slip by me- day by day, month by month, and year by year. Though God doesn't need me, or us, to do any of his work, that is what we are called to do, and every day, I feel like I'm failing. I pray for them- only when it crosses my mind, and I can't even say that I try to talk to them about it. I don't know where to start and I'm struck with fear for them.

All I know is that I can and need to cry out to God and pray earnestly, because time is running out.

In Grace

2010-02-19T15:09:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've felt this...crummy. I don't know if February gloom has gotten to me- especially after a burst of sun during the week- or if I'm having one of my "freak-out" moments where I'm suddenly scared of not having the strength to face the trials ahead of me because of my past and recent failures. As much as I would like to brush off the turmoil of thoughts and emotions within me, my worries and self-doubt weigh down my spirit and won't let me let go.

It's Friday, and I'm failing to take joy in that fact. I keep thinking it's Wednesday, and that I have more time to study. The realization that I don't is probably one of the heaviest weights on my spirits right now. So, I read my Bible, ate breakfast, and went into lab to execute the DNA genotyping protocol that I've been doing for the past two weeks. I had gotten to the last steps before loading the DNA samples into the gel, when I thought that something was ... not right. I couldn't figure out what it was, went ahead to load my samples in the wells, only to discover that they were leaking. Agh! I've been doing the same procedure for a while now, and yet I somehow mindlessly took out the gel from the loading block, voiding any results I could have had. I just wasted three precious hours of my day when I could have been studying for my three upcoming midterms. Frustration. I leave lab, thinking that I will get some work done, only to realize that I completely forgot about a make-up discussion for one of my classes. More frustration. As I scurry to the room that it's usually held in, I find that it is empty. I try being a good student and attempt to webcast a lecture, but there is no internet. Accepting defeat, I stay in the room to study, not wanting to rouse my peace any further.

At this moment, I am outside in the overcast cold because the Qualcom Cafe is not open, even though it says it is (and I am quite amused seeing others trying to get in). I am finally able to webcast the lecture after several attempts! woot~ I'm not exactly sure what I feel anymore at this moment. The nudging annoyance I've been harboring is still simmering, but thankfully my peace with God at this moment is keeping everything from boiling over. I'm no less disappointed in myself for being so emotional, for being so easily swayed by the events throughout a day.

One thing I am very thankful for is a very gracious lab supervisor, who seems to be so 'chill' about everything, who doesn't seem annoyed when I make mistakes and tries to comfort me with an "it happens to me too." Grace is something I don't give easily, but I know that I've received extensively. Just my being annoyed, by not taking joy in my mishaps, makes me so in need of God's grace. My failure to rejoice in my emotional trials (which occurs more than tangible ones) disappoints even myself, and well, I can't imagine just how much more it disappoints one who is holy and pure. Once again, I am thankful for God's grace, because it's enough! It's enough for my conscience, enough to encourage me, enough to forgive, and enough to save.

Ephesians 2:8-9
For by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves- it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one may boast.

Playlist:
The Power of Your Name - Lincoln Brewster
Your Grace Is Enough - Chris Tomlin
Analyze - Tim Be Told

You Say I'm a Dreamer, I Say You're a Nonbeliever

2010-01-12T06:49:00.000-08:00

Preface: Please forgive the badly written entry- it was late.

I've been bumming around all winter break, playing the piano and guitar, watching a ton of movies and shows, and sleeping. While watching trailers for upcoming movies on Youtube, I was linked to a movie aptly named Spread, starring Ashton Kutcher. I do NOT recommend it, but if I were a 12 year old "teenie bopper," he would be the one I'm yelling "marry me" to. So with that, I went ahead and watched the movie since 1) I didn't want to write my scientific review paper which was due 3 weeks ago 2) Nothing on TV was good 3) I <3 Ashton.

The movie is about a young, attractive guy who moves to L.A. to live the good life and basically leeches off of rich socialites by sleeping with them. He makes the mistake of falling for a young girl who seems to know his game, and he ends up leaving the woman who's been "supporting him"- so to speak. This girl eventually falls for him, and allegedly breaks up with her also filthy-rich significant other. His mistake, though, is not learning how to make a commitment soon enough. After she leaves for New York to "sort things out" when he doesn't reciprocate an "I love you," she ends up back at her fiance's. Kutcher's character goes to New York to find her, but in a not so happily ever after ending, she tells him that she is already married and a heartbroken Kutcher returns to L.A. He's woken up from his dream life of driving speedy cars and being with girls in tight skirts every night and tries to pull his life together. He becomes a grocery boy and delivers groceries to that same aging, attractive woman he used to be with and finds that a young man, much like himself, has replaced him.

Though the movie contains excessive scenes of sex and alcohol, the ending was strangely satisfying. Kutcher's character starts out going to L.A. as a dreamer (whether or not his dream was a worthy dream, one can contest), and he ends up a realist. It's not that I support the cause of the realist, but I think often times, we become one as we live life. It is truly sad (yes, I used a DEAD WORD) that the world lacks dreamers, who have vision and passion in their lives. As a realist who would like to be more of a dreamer sometimes, I feel as if people, especially educated people, become snobs. They become snobs who feel as if their perspective of life is more worthy and well, real. I can attest to this, and I feel as if the realist in me has killed my spirit, my passion, my ambition, and my daring to reach for what I think impossible. I want to dream and find the lost dreamer in me, and this is what I have decided as my "new year's resolution," or rather, change.

I hope that the "wisdom" this world offers does not kill the dreamer in us- that we will dare to dream the things in life that give us a sense of belonging, the things that make us feel alive, and the things that bring us joy.

Playlist:
Screamer by Good Charlotte
Fox on the Run by The Academy Is
We Break the Dawn by Michelle Williams

My Christmaaaas (How the Japanese would say it)

2010-01-04T05:36:00.000-08:00

During my one week trip to Japan (particularly in Tokyo), I feel like I have experienced what my tenth grade textbooks describe Japan to be. It is indeed a world of commerce, of youthful businessmen (and women) living their fast paced lives, of gray, aged apartments shoved right up against each other. In measures of monetary wealth, they are more than successful, with a GDP per capita of approximately 33.5K. Women are glamorously powdered and made-up, dressed in pea coats lined with fox fur, and in their arms are chic handbags made by Chanel, Louis Vuitton, and Coach. Men with their shiny briefcases sport trendy pointed leather dress shoes, their designer suit no less dashing. Beneath all this, though, is a hard-lived life of stress and frugality. Beneath all of Japan's beauties-her ocean-side traditional spa resorts, her mountains freckled with snow in the spring, her cherry blossoms- is a gracefully-aged disaster-filled country.

After this short vacation in Japan, I have decided for myself that it is a country I hope never to never live in- that it is a romanticized place that I will only ever go to on short visits. One would expect that the food would be of excellent taste, but the provided meals on the tour and my stays at the Hilton proved my unprecedented expectations wrong. On a different note, their language is graceful, their fashion crazy and contagious, and their technology is futuristic. Their service is still pristine, their public bathrooms impeccable (no, really, and with bidets), and their value in a job well done is still exists (thank God).

Anyway, I had a BLAST at Disney Sea and Disneyland in Tokyo and they had amazingly cute winter merchandise that I am going to shamelessly sport back at Berkeley.
Oh yes, and I did end up buying a pea coat with fox fur, I did go to Harajuku and I did see lots of Lolita girls. =)

They LOVE Chip and Dale and so do I!

Playlist:
Secret by The Pierces
Breathe by Taylor Swift
Check Yes Juliet by We The Kings
Empire State (Love Affair) by Ken Oak

There's No Secrets This Year

2010-01-03T05:52:00.000-08:00

This day is marked by the death of my wretch blog. I am starting anew, just like a dear friend is by purging her heart of painful memories of the last few years of a certain friend. The following is a tribute to our common trial- one which has grown us together over the years. As we step into a new year, there are no more resolutions, just change.

It’s been four years. Not since we’ve met, but since you lit that match sitting unattended in a corner of my heart. Our first hello—because of our commonality—our first real knowing—through the unusual circumstances of your want of help-was the beginning. Little did I know that by helping you, I tied myself more to you. I entangled myself in unbearable temptation of showing affection, of wanting, of betraying what my heart yearned to speak. But, I am a thinker, not a feeler, and being that sort of type-A control freak, I was terrified of not being lord over our, or rather, all situations. Others were watching expectantly, waiting for me to live up to my own piece of wisdom. A slip, a hint, for me was the end. My lips were sealed, my actions guarded. For good.

Two years ago, you yet again came for help. I try, but I fail to do much this time. Was it hesitance? Reluctance? Our friend was right, you know, I wanted to do what she did. I again fight back my temptation to tell you that, last winter, I wanted you […] Now, all I could do was wish you well, and so I did. But, did you know then, that you were searing the hearts of more than one? Oblivion was giving benefit of the doubt, and I had to question it. Still, I was so close to betraying myself, and maybe I did. If so, was it from that encounter a certain winter ago that you knew, I do not know, and may never, but I know that for a moment—desire triumphed over rationality, and I almost—or did I—slip? Were you toying with my foolishness, or was there also some partiality on your side?

I have not wavered in my affection, though at times I desperately wish for it. The ability to control my inclination was what I pined for, but not what I had, or rather, have. I disgusted myself in knowing that I made an attachment so long ago that I cannot break. Do I want the answer to my unrequited affection, you ask. I, the owner of that match that you lit, do not know the answer. Am I strong enough to accept what I cannot bear?

What’s left is ambiguity that I cannot wipe away. I don’t dare ask, and I can’t ask for more than what lies in the boundaries of our friendship. All I know now is you held my hands in the cold. I have but one match left in the box. This match I write is a sort of resignation of my affection—the last breath I dare take before I helplessly untie myself from what I wish I could know.

Playlist:
I'm not that Girl from the Wicked Soundtrack
It's My Life/Confessions Pt.2 from Glee
Take a Bow by Rihanna
Say This Sooner by The Almost

~~edit~~from POSTSECRET